Take a moment and imagine a woman using a vibrator. What type of toy do you imagine her using? If you pictured a toy that stimulates the external genitals, you are in line with reality. In an informal survey I did with my Instagram followers, among those who used sex toys, 83% used one that provided external genital stimulation only. A more scientific study found the same thing: among women who used vibrators, the majority used it externally. This totally tracks given that 96% of women need external stimulation to orgasm. The external part of women’s genitals is called the vulva, and it includes the hot spot for female orgasms: the clitoris. Toys that stimulate the external genitals are thus called clitoral vibrators.
And there is no doubt that clitoral vibrators enhance women’s orgasmic capacity. In one study of women who had never orgasmed, 93% were able to orgasm after using a clitoral vibrator! But clitoral vibrators don’t only help women who have never orgasmed to do so. Women who use them have an easier time orgasming. They do so in less time and with less effort. Many describe their orgasms as more intense. In one study, over three-quarters of women said that vibrators profoundly changed their sexual experiences and capacity for orgasm.
Many women use vibrators only alone. Others use their vibrators both alone and with partners. Yet, according to research, women who only use their vibrators alone have less sexual satisfaction than those who use them both alone and with partners. Research also tells us that it is women who have sex with men, not those who have sex with women, who are hesitant to use vibrators with partners. In one study, all women who identified as lesbian used their vibrators with partners, but only about 70% of women who identified as heterosexual did so. The other 30% didn’t use them because they feared their male partners’ egos would be bruised and his manhood threatened. And, while that is the initial reaction of some men, most men eventually come around once they understand the benefits of their partner using a vibrator.
In my favorite study, men who had never used a vibrator with their partner were given one and told to use it twice a week for three months and then interviewed. They said using a vibrator had four benefits. First, they said it increased their excitement because it added novelty—and this makes sense since research shows novelty enhances excitement. They also said that the vibrator increased their excitement because it made their partner more aroused—which also makes sense since men are excited by their partner’s arousal. Third, they said it increased intimacy, because they had to talk about the vibrator. Finally, they said the vibrator was exciting due to the feeling of the vibrations on their penis. This is because both the penis and the clitoris have special receptors that respond specifically to vibrations. The penis and the clitoris are made of the same tissue, and both love the feeling of vibration!
So, if you’ve been using a vibrator with a partner, and it’s enhanced your sex life, kudos to you! Keep doing that and read on for some fun new ways to do so. If you haven’t been using a vibrator during partner sex, please start doing so!
If you engage in casual sex, take your vibrator along with you and use it on yourself. We know that women orgasm significantly less than men during casual sexual encounters—and the biggest reasons is that in hookups, women don’t often get the clitoral stimulation they require to orgasm. To fix that problem in your life, throw a small handheld clitoral vibrator (like the LELO MIA 2) in your purse, and make sure you get what you need.
To get what you need in a long-term relationship, set aside some time to talk to your partner, outside of the bedroom. Say something like:
I want to talk to you about something that makes me a little nervous, but I am doing so because I want our sex to be the best it can be. I read a blog where a sex therapist talked about a bunch of studies showing that couples who incorporate a vibrator into their love making have more excitement, orgasms, and intimacy. I’d love to try this next time we have sex.
There are many ways to incorporate a vibrator during sex with a partner. Below are three ways, along with recommendations of the perfect vibrator for these scenarios.
First, you could use a vibrator specifically designed for partner sex. My favorite is the TOR 2.
This is a vibrating cock ring. The man wears it on his penis during penetrative sex. He gets to feel the vibrations on his penis while his partner feels them on her clitoris. Win-Win!
Another option is for the woman to stimulate her own clitoris during intercourse—which itself is a scientifically-supported sex therapy suggestion! To make this work, it’s best to be in an intercourse position (such as side entry or woman on top sitting up) where the woman has easy access to her own clitoris. My favorite toys for this are the LELO MIA 3, SIRI 3, or LILY 3 (though the prior versions of these, the MIA 2, SIRI 2, and LILY 2 all work great too)! These all provide pinpointed clitoral stimulation and are easy to fit between two bodies.
Of course, you don’t have to use the vibrator during intercourse. Instead of trying to orgasm during the same act, you could do something sex therapists routinely recommend and that is to take turns having orgasms. During your turn, use your favorite vibrator on yourself. For this, any vibrator you like to use alone will work, including two many women love: the LELO SMART Wand and the LELO SONA 2 Cruise. It’s no less sex if you stimulate yourself in your partner’s presence, while he watches and gets turned on or while his hands and mouth roam the other parts of your body!
Earlier, I had you imagine a woman using a sex toy. Now, I’d like you to imagine being in a swimming pool with a partner. There’s also a raft in the pool. Sometimes you lay together on the raft and sometimes just one of you lounges on the raft, while the other hangs on the side talking to or kissing the other. After such a fun day in the pool, you wouldn’t call a friend and say “Me and my raft had the best day! Oh, and my partner was there too.” You wouldn’t even mention the raft, as it was just an accessory that made your experience with your partner better.
The same is true of using a vibrator during partner sex. It’s a tool to make your sexual experience more exciting, novel, and intimate for both of you!
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